Deep, Dark Secret (or so it was)

I once had a shrink who told me that talking about things helps a person heal.  I took her advice and I've talked and healed from it.  I've been through things in the past that hurt me terribly but now, they don't bother me.  I've learned from these things and I've grown as a person due to these things happening to me.  I've also learned that bottling things inside does NOT help... It just makes me even more mad and when I do end up talking about it, I'm like a firecracker with a short fuse.  I blow up!

So, with all that being said, I'd like to share one of my secrets from the past.

I was in an abusive relationship.  I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that a lot of people have been in relationships like that.  But, how many people actually speak out about it?

I was 'young and dumb' and thought he truly loved me.  He was 5 years older then me.  I was with him for 3 years and the first six months were heaven... No abuse.  Then, I moved in with him and the very first night was the start of abuse every night.  He would choke me, throw me around, slam chairs and end tables on me.  Punch, slap and kick me.  Call me names... Horrible names.  He would literally toss me over his shoulder and slam me to the ground.  He did this EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for two and a half years.  After the beatings, he would apologize and say he loved me and beg me to stay with him.  Yep, I believed him and always stayed.  Towards the end of our relationship, I knew he was just lying... Every word out of his mouth was a lie.  There was one time, his own father asked me how I got 'marked' up.  (I had a few scratches and he seen them)  Of course, I lied to protect my ex.  I also knew that if I didn't cover for him, it would be worse once we got home.  He had neighbors watch our house to make sure nobody came by while he was at work.  He wouldn't allow me to work or drive or hang out with my friends.  Everything was on his terms.  Very controlling... He threatened me a few times... About how if I ever left him, he'd find me... How nobody else would have me... He was at work when I left him.  My mother drove the 6 hours to pick me up with my clothes... The rest stayed.  We were loaded up and gone before he got off work.  To this day, I'm scared to death of him finding me but I know he can't and won't hurt me.  I'm surrounded by people now who love me and will protect me.

Why did I stay with him for so long?  Well, he manipulated me.  He told me my family didn't love me.  He told me he'd get help for his anger.  He told me he loved me.  He asked me to marry him several times... Honestly, I think I put blinders on.  I didn't want to see the truth and I lied to myself when I said  I loved him.  I didn't.  How could you love a monster that treated you like that?  I was scared and I fooled myself.

What has he taught me?  Well, I don't take crap from anyone.  The first sign of abuse, I leave.  He made me a stronger person.  As a human being, I deserve respect as well.  I've never been in an abusive relationship since then.

Anywho, sorry this post is so scattered... I hope to help others who are going through this or who have been through it.  Just know you aren't alone and others will not judge you if you talk to them or ask them for help.  :)