Deep, Dark Secret (or so it was)

I once had a shrink who told me that talking about things helps a person heal.  I took her advice and I've talked and healed from it.  I've been through things in the past that hurt me terribly but now, they don't bother me.  I've learned from these things and I've grown as a person due to these things happening to me.  I've also learned that bottling things inside does NOT help... It just makes me even more mad and when I do end up talking about it, I'm like a firecracker with a short fuse.  I blow up!

So, with all that being said, I'd like to share one of my secrets from the past.

I was in an abusive relationship.  I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that a lot of people have been in relationships like that.  But, how many people actually speak out about it?

I was 'young and dumb' and thought he truly loved me.  He was 5 years older then me.  I was with him for 3 years and the first six months were heaven... No abuse.  Then, I moved in with him and the very first night was the start of abuse every night.  He would choke me, throw me around, slam chairs and end tables on me.  Punch, slap and kick me.  Call me names... Horrible names.  He would literally toss me over his shoulder and slam me to the ground.  He did this EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for two and a half years.  After the beatings, he would apologize and say he loved me and beg me to stay with him.  Yep, I believed him and always stayed.  Towards the end of our relationship, I knew he was just lying... Every word out of his mouth was a lie.  There was one time, his own father asked me how I got 'marked' up.  (I had a few scratches and he seen them)  Of course, I lied to protect my ex.  I also knew that if I didn't cover for him, it would be worse once we got home.  He had neighbors watch our house to make sure nobody came by while he was at work.  He wouldn't allow me to work or drive or hang out with my friends.  Everything was on his terms.  Very controlling... He threatened me a few times... About how if I ever left him, he'd find me... How nobody else would have me... He was at work when I left him.  My mother drove the 6 hours to pick me up with my clothes... The rest stayed.  We were loaded up and gone before he got off work.  To this day, I'm scared to death of him finding me but I know he can't and won't hurt me.  I'm surrounded by people now who love me and will protect me.

Why did I stay with him for so long?  Well, he manipulated me.  He told me my family didn't love me.  He told me he'd get help for his anger.  He told me he loved me.  He asked me to marry him several times... Honestly, I think I put blinders on.  I didn't want to see the truth and I lied to myself when I said  I loved him.  I didn't.  How could you love a monster that treated you like that?  I was scared and I fooled myself.

What has he taught me?  Well, I don't take crap from anyone.  The first sign of abuse, I leave.  He made me a stronger person.  As a human being, I deserve respect as well.  I've never been in an abusive relationship since then.

Anywho, sorry this post is so scattered... I hope to help others who are going through this or who have been through it.  Just know you aren't alone and others will not judge you if you talk to them or ask them for help.  :)    

20 Things

I was thinking I would do a ~20 things about me for my 20th post~ post :)

1.  I am terrified of spiders... Any kind, any size.  I'm a complete girly-girl when it comes to spiders... I run away screaming like a baby, lol.  The only good spider is a dead spider!


2.  I have broke 3 bones in my 26 years.  In order ~ My left collar bone as a toddler when my cousin fell on me (I still love you Lacie!).  My right collar bone while playing football (tripped over my own feet trying to impress a boy) at age 11 (I think).  Last, my left wrist by bouncing off another cousins trampoline at 13 or 14 years old (Yes, I still love you too, Amber!).


3.  I was home-schooled  (which may explain my grammar/english writing skills, lol).  However, I did graduate and I received my High School Diploma with the home-schooling :)

4.  I like to write (obviously!) about anything.  Poems, short stories, letters to friends and family...

5.  I have a stupid fear of driving that controls my freedom!  I get panic attacks behind the wheel.  Makes me feel like a royal dumbass!

6.  I'm a firm believer in "Eye for an Eye" when it comes to prison inmates but that is a whole different blog post.  I have a lot to say about that...

7.  I hate having nail polish on my fingers but feel naked when my toes are without nail polish.  Is that weird?

8.  I can pop my hips in and out of joint while standing.  It sure grosses people out to see that, lol.  My hips were dislocated when I was born (my mother had to double up the diapers to keep my hips in socket if that makes any sense)...

9.  I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years.  I hate the guy for how he was but I'm thankful to him for making me stronger and wiser.

10.  I'm addicted to coffee but I don't like Starbucks or Dutch Brothers.  I prefer my local Full Throttle Java Hut (located at both ends of town for your convenience)  :)  Plus, the girls there rock!

11.  I once got really drunk and did amateur night at a strip club.  I will NEVER drink that much EVER again, lol.  I was also offered a job by the club manager... I drunkenly, yet politely, declined, lol.

12.  I'm extremely shy in person but will tell my life story online (go figure).

13.  I went through a depressed stage in life and tried to end it.  I'm so over that now though and I love, love, love my life the way it is.  Yeah, things could be better but I'll take it for what it is :)  I have family, friends and a boyfriend who all love me and accept me for who I am and I love them all for that and their support :)

14.  I absolutely HATE cooking but I do it anyways for my boyfriend because he loves when I cook for him (probably because he's taught me how to cook... My mother tried but I never listened because SHE always cooked) and his appreciation makes me feel good.

15.  I've never met my real father but here recently, he contacted me through FaceBook.  I'm glad he did and I want to know everything about him and meet him someday.  I have so many questions for him... I feel... Well, I don't know how I feel yet.  Only time will tell...

16.  I don't plan on ever getting married.  I would wear an engagement ring but never get married, lol.  I would stay engaged forever.  I don't believe in having a piece of paper to prove how much I love someone.  Besides, it's much cheaper to get rid of a boyfriend then it is to get rid of a husband, lol.  No divorce :)  Just take your shit and go!

17.  I don't plan on ever having kids either.  Don't get me wrong, I love kids I just don't want any of my own.  Yeah, yeah... They're cute and squishy and do adorable things but... I'll pass.  But, if I ever did end up pregnant, I would love my baby more then anything else in life :)

18.  I sang karaoke once with a friend at a bar that was full of people.  That was another drunk moment of mine.  It was horrible, lol.  We sang, or butchered would be correct, 'Rockstar' by Nickelback :)

19.  I love nuts by themselves... Salted, honey roasted, whatever but I hate foods that have nuts cooked in it or topped with nuts.  Candy bars with nuts in them?  I don't like them... Yuck!

20.  I hate getting flowers as a gift (especially from a boyfriend).  It may be a nice gesture and all but get me something that is going to last... Not something that is going to die soon...

Poem ~ Gray Skies

So, this is a poem I wrote a few years ago... Well about 7-8 years ago (??). Anywho, it's been a while, lol.  I wrote this poem as a form of therapy.  Yeah, something I went through with an ex and something I will NEVER go through again... 

Gray Skies

Days of thunder, 

skies of gray.

I wanted to run...

I wanted to get away.

Get away from everything.

All the lies, all the pain.

Everytime he hit me,

brought on all the rain.

The rain poured down on me,

making it hard to breathe.

Chilling me to the bone.

I just wanted to be free.

Free of all the hurt.

All the bruises, all the names.

Free of all the accusations

he kept throwing my way.

Accusing me of everything...

of lying and cheating.

He accused me every day

and every night there was a beating.

A beating so intense,

it took my breath away.

I didn't want to live

to see another day.

Another day of black,

another day of blue.

I wanted no more gray skies.

I was completely through...